It was never easy for me to give up my problems to God. It was never easy for me to release control and admit to myself, honestly, that I was not running the show. Somehow, for me, that felt like a cop out – like I wasn’t taking realistic responsibility for my life. It was also terrifying to trust in anyone or anything so completely.
Today it is not quite as hard, but it is still not easy. I’ve discovered this last week that sure enough, when the days get darker and things get heavier, my reliance on faith becomes tested and harder to obtain. I find myself multiple times throughout my day taking back my will and my control and stressing over the future, or the past or things beyond my control. The simple serenity prayer often escapes me, but I pray – even if just for the willingness to pray again once I feel overwhelmed. And no bright white lights shines down on my day, no emotion rattles my bones – but surely, God hears me, because he answers me in the moments that follow the hardest ones. Things are not overwhelming the way that they used to be. It suprises me and even, if I must admit, frightens me a little to think of myself talking like this. I am not this girl, who believes in God and relies on him to find strength and peace in her life. For so long I laughed at those girls, those people – anyone who relied on faith seemed weak to me, like they were looking for an easy, blind way out of all of the troubles that life had to offer.
I denied my faith for so long in the name of my own personal strength – never able to see that the weakest thing about me was that denial. That refusal to acknowledge the spirit that lives within my soul, honestly. I don’t know for sure what that means, I know that I call Him God today, but I don’t know about any particular religious constraints around my God. And I don’t need to. What I do know is that when I call, he answers. And when I am unsure, I can trust that things are handled and being taken care of.
I don’t find myself immediately defaulting to this mentality, but with some hard work and patience, I can see it becoming more a part of my everyday life. I want it to.
I hit a little rough patch this last week and it is by no means over. The map of my life has taken a little side-winding turn into some unsure territory, but I need to keep reminding myself -the love that I need is HERE ALREADY. The protection and care that I am looking for is present in my life today. And as long as I keep an active, open-minded and honest attempt at connecting with my Higher Power, I will feel that love more and more.
I thought that I would write about struggling, not needing to drink, finding the strength to get to as many meetings as possible and feeling okay even when things were not. All of this is true – but what I know, for sure, is that these things are possible in my life, for this alcoholic, because I have cleared the path to my Higher Power, and seek Him out on a regular basis.
I am grateful.