You know, I was frightened when I saw this image in early sobriety –
I knew what that meant for me – and I was scared to be tested that way. For me, it means that the things we need most, God will give us. That those things will not always look how we want them to look, be easy or comfortable or be anywhere close to what we want, but they will be what we need in some way or another.
I was only writing a few short days ago about being happy and also – cautious that this serenity could be so easy for me, because things were going the way I wanted them to.
Last night was not ideal. Luckily, no one was hurt and I did not think of drinking, despite a very unpleasant, troubling issue arising. On this particularly freezing night in my little city, up a steep incline of an icy hill, I was praying. Asking not, for the first time, for some bright lit miracle to gift me with the material things I needed, but instead for the patience to deal with whatever the outcome was. And the outcome wasn’t great.
I even thanked God when I finally, albeit frostbitten, got to bed last night – I was grateful. I struggled yesterday and I am struggling today – to fight the urge to give up and feel bad for myself. I am struggling to comprehend all of the things that I think I should be doing or could be doing to rectify this situation – to balance the financial worries in my head with the logistical worries of tomorrow. All of this is just one thing: NOT TODAY.
Today – I have so much on my plate with work, school.. all the trappings of regular life that yesterday seemed so manageable. But today – I can’t keep my head from going negative.
I can’t help feeling hopeless, lost and bad for myself. I gave myself permission for a bit to give in, to feel it, to cry it out – and now, I’m just praying for guidance. Praying for the willingness to understand and really believe that I do not need to have all the answers. Praying for the faith that comes so much easier during the happy times. It’s still there – but it’s harder to access when life trips you up.
I am finding it hard, but possible, to consider what it is in this situation that God is trying to show me. Maybe I need to learn more patience – more financial responsibility – more independence – more serenity regardless of material things.. I could go on.
I am still grateful. I am alive and well and sober. My family and friends are happy and healthy. Life is still moving forward and there are still so many more blessings in my life than there are hardships.
Life on life’s terms is not easy. It’s not sweet or simple. It’s real, though and I am not going to run from it today, no matter how uncomfortable or unsure I am.