I had this brand new, never-felt-before feeling this evening. It tingled through my limbs and goose-bumped my skin. It was happiness. And I have never known a happiness like this, that I remember.
I try hard to consider what people say – “It’s easy to be grateful, sober, happy – when things are good.” But I also try not to let that weigh on me too heavily, because it doesn’t take much for me to begin allowing my thoughts to retreat to the self-defeat that once guided them fully. I used to tell myself, without even knowing I was doing it, that things probably wouldn’t work out, something would get in the way, the other shoe would eventually drop. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Getting my hopes up meant they could be let down, and that was a daunting fall I couldn’t entertain. Today feels so different.
This happiness I know I have only found through sobriety and the spiritual relationship that I am now so blessed to know. This happiness is concrete – it’s within me. It’s not dependent on circumstance, situation, events, people, places or things. This happiness comes from a place inside me that has been absolutely paralyzed for the last 12 years. I think it might be what it feels like to be happy, in my soul. To feel connected to who I really am – which, what a relief, means I am not determined by what crosses my mind. I don’t have to give in to the thoughts that come easily to me – and those thoughts of negativity and self-doubt, they’re coming less and less these days. As I practice the habits of faith, trust, serenity and peace, I become more and more free from these thoughts.
And in that freedom, I become more and more connected to who I really am. Bright, sunny days or cold, stormy ones – the person I am is unchanged – the love my higher power has for me is unwavering. I am going to be okay – no matter what.
I am not my thoughts.
I thank God, because the reality for me is that many of the thoughts in my mind are still infected with the disease of alcoholism. I also thank God that as time goes on and my path becomes more in line with what I am truly meant for in this life, those thoughts become less powerful and less frequent.
It’s one of those I-wanna-shout-it-from-the-rooftops kind of feelings, for me. I can’t believe it’s possible. I can’t believe I never knew this pure happiness, was available. I was so cut off from it – and here I am, witness to this miracle.
I’m not shouting it from the rooftops, but if by chance you’ve read this far, thank you.
Thank you for listening to me tonight, as I ramble about the crazy, wonderful ways that sobriety is changing my life. I am truly grateful.
With absolute love,