I am not my thoughts.

I had this brand new, never-felt-before feeling this evening. It tingled through my limbs and goose-bumped my skin. It was happiness. And I have never known a happiness like this, that I remember.

I try hard to consider what people say – “It’s easy to be grateful, sober, happy – when things are good.” But I also try not to let that weigh on me too heavily, because it doesn’t take much for me to begin allowing my thoughts to retreat to the self-defeat that once guided them fully. I used to tell myself, without even knowing I was doing it, that things probably wouldn’t work out, something would get in the way, the other shoe would eventually drop. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Getting my hopes up meant they could be let down, and that was a daunting fall I couldn’t entertain. Today feels so different.

This happiness I know I have only found through sobriety and the spiritual relationship that I am now so blessed to know. This happiness is concrete – it’s within me. It’s not dependent on circumstance, situation, events, people, places or things. This happiness comes from a place inside me that has been absolutely paralyzed for the last 12 years. I think it might be what it feels like to be happy, in my soul. To feel connected to who I really am – which, what a relief, means I am not determined by what crosses my mind. I don’t have to give in to the thoughts that come easily to me – and those thoughts of negativity and self-doubt, they’re coming less and less these days. As I practice the habits of faith, trust, serenity and peace, I become more and more free from these thoughts.

And in that freedom, I become more and more connected to who I really am. Bright, sunny days or cold, stormy ones – the person I am is unchanged – the love my higher power has for me is unwavering. I am going to be okay – no matter what.

I am not my thoughts.

I thank God, because the reality for me is that many of the thoughts in my mind are still infected with the disease of alcoholism. I also thank God that as time goes on and my path becomes more in line with what I am truly meant for in this life, those thoughts become less powerful and less frequent.

It’s one of those I-wanna-shout-it-from-the-rooftops kind of feelings, for me. I can’t believe it’s possible. I can’t believe I never knew this pure happiness, was available. I was so cut off from it – and here I am, witness to this miracle.

I’m not shouting it from the rooftops, but if by chance you’ve read this far, thank you.

Thank you for listening to me tonight, as I ramble about the crazy, wonderful ways that sobriety is changing my life. I am truly grateful.

With absolute love,

V.

i am

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. tigercup says:

    Hi there loved this post reading this was like spiritual high for and got a little enlightenment too tanks for such an amazing work

    Liked by 1 person

    1. onthemend12 says:

      Thank you so much 🙂 So glad to share in some spiritual contentment with you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. tigercup says:

        Hi , I am testing a new writing style for my blog so I am having many opinions and I am having opinions and I am not sure how to improve it so I kinda need some advice for that so do you mind looking that out for me.

        Like

  2. What an uplifting and positive post! I’m happy for you, thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Paul S says:

    Yes! We aren’t our thoughts and I have to remember this oh I don’t know about 100 times a day. And like you said, easy to be all spiritual and stuff when things are going well, but when they’re not? That’s the real test of our resiliency and ability to stay the course. No matter good or bad, this too shall pass. So even when things are groovy, this too shall pass.

    This happiness thing is an inside job, and externals may keep up occupied for bit, but in the end it’s how we look at things that matters, what we appreciate, what we value.

    Great post – loved it.
    Paul

    Like

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